New start!

Gosh!!! It's been a while i wrote and i think i will have to hunt for words to write. I don't know where to begin to be honest. There was so much going on with my life. The last 6 months have been such a trip to the lost land and back. I wanted to write so badly. Speak out and spill every word that meant frustration, confusion, irritability and mindless rattling in my own head. I call it the mental battle. I was like an exhausted warrior of my own capabilities. I had inhibitions to be able to speak of my own expression. Yeah it was a terrible terrible time.

And after all this, here i am sitting and smiling in my own space of peace and mental freedom. I want to say that I am finally back to where it all began and I think i fit in very well to start with.

I have paid a huge sum to get where i am today. Maybe there is no point in speaking of it because I will never find words to explain. Maybe no one will understand unless they really want to. Nevermind with that. So here it ends. All that began well has now shaped up well. They always say happy times dont last and same goes with tough times. Nothing ever lasts. So be it.

All my blogger buddies, I'm back to share my expressions about life. Its a new begining and as always I hope to bring a lovely smile. Hope you all have been great with your lives.

Ciao for now. And lastly please watch out for this space! :)

The other day I was contemplating...

" On what grounds does one decide the distinction between good and bad?"

Of course we all think differently and more often than not, the way we percieve good and bad are quite different from how others see.

Sometimes our mental state of mind affects our decision to make the right or wrong choice. But do have an option to step back and pause before we hit the button? Is the mental state of being all what it takes to understand the right and wrong?

Well...I was just wondering and travelling my way back from work with this thought.

It's been hard to understand life from a holistic perspective all throughout my life. But I dont give up because the only thing that keeps me sane is introspection. Sometimes there is such clarity of thought just like fountain water. But sometimes everything is suddenly so bleak.

The thoughts that struck me tonight were different, more like a gush of realization from the opposite direction. It felt enlightening!

Maybe one reason for such grave thoughts in my mind was because of the way my week started. I can say that it was not a pleasant one. Not only was my visa denied because of a reason as stupid as recession but also I had to undergo a bad news of losing some very familiar people who recently happened to pass away from this world. It's been utterly shocking. Disgustingly depressing.

But then am I not contradicting myself? What about those times when I promised myself that I would stay happy no matter what the conditions maybe, no matter in what situation I would get into. What about those stereotyped "unconditional" self-promises? It wasnt helping me one bit.

Am I not lying to myself? Maybe I'm fooling myself and I think that I can get away from it.

I knew I was begining to get more ambitious, more selfish, more of a self-centred person. Just then, my whole world came to a halt!! I was rather ashamed. Ashamed of the kind of person this world was making of me. I knew that this world was changing me. Sometimes slowly and sometimes rather fast. And this was because I let the world change me. Because I gave the people a total permission to change me. But why would I let it happen this way for me ? This is not the way it was meant to be when God created me.

He gave me full permission to live life until he desired but he also wanted me to take the responsibility of keeping a relaity check on myself. But I dint do that. Instead I took myself for granted. I became covetous. I wanted more. As I got more, I wanted more and my disatisfaction grew. So I cribbed. I cried. I frowned and grew cold within..

Oh I wish I knew how beautiful and promising this life is for me. Then I would not have bothered about those things which I dont have. And despite that I would have still been a happy girl. I wish I learn to live life to derieve more satisfaction out of it. I wish I compared my life less with others. I wish I accepted myself for flaws and accepted just the way I am.

Until today!

Sometimes all it takes is a simple mind exercise and you feel as if the whole life has been put together and you're great to go ahead with it. While at other times you feel the whole life has been messed up due to some unstable and mindless decisions you have made. But what's important is that we stand up for ourselves at all points of our lives. Especially when we take sole responsibility of our actions. I guess that makes things less complicated and life runs smoother (well atleast in our heads so to think). Afterall they say "it's all in the mind"!! Would anybody disagree with me on this?

Today on my way from work I had a great ride on my freind's bike who honoured to drop me off home. It was a lovely journey i must say. I felt the goosebumps on my skin when the chilly air pressed sharply like steel knives on my skin. But I just let myself go. A cup of cappuccino just came as a blessing in disguise. With just a few sips i suddenly felt like life is so good and eveything that was happening around my life made sense to me in so many ways that I can't possibly explain or put into words. Everything made sense in my life- the good, the best, the bad and the worse.

I think these are the times when you feel that "Chaos is order". Well atleast it made sense at this point in my life.

Today, I looked at my life in the most balanced, positive and appreciating manner. I knew it so much that I was happy! ( hope this feeling stays longer enough)

When you sit back to think what have I done in my life or what do i intend to do with the years that are left ahead of me, we often find the answers missing in our heads.

But today was one of those days my friend, today was the day I finallly felt I should be doing something that I have always derieved self-satisfaction. And suddenly I had a gush of positive thoughts flowing into my mind. It was as if it was all flowing through my blood and moving all over my body and soul, a sort of rare positive energy.

While thise energy cooed into my ears, it spoke a lot of things that I wished to do in the coming years of my life. Philanthropy, learn foriegn languages, take up writing, take up cooking, gathering knowledge, learn musical instruments, write a book, learn learn and learn many more newer things.

That was it. That moment was undecribable. And now its making me look ahead in life.

Today was the day my friend, I have realised and felt that yet again this time I have evolved from the very many self-conflicts, mental-battles, obstructions and hardships. Yet again, I have evolved and this time a bit more victoriously!

I have known through today that I am living a wonderful life indeed...

Straight from fury

Life is an intoxication, when you breathe it right.
Every minute spent is right no matter what, where, with whom
Nothing goes wasted, no...not ever!
I'm a girl who's dreaming high and more
I've seen this world before, but never felt it so true earliar
These days, oh! the days, they have hit the right spot
memories, they create a mark
maybe someday when am old enough or less
I will boast of them to my off springs
They can strike my words or mark them
But i tell you what that they can inspire
I might not have created a history but who cares
I have still managed to hit the nail on the wall
These days, oh! I tell you, they're memorable
Not once but yeah, in a series
Life is meant to be lived
just breathe it right
...and you know just how it feels!!!

But the truth is.

Well...honestly, I think you're still young and waiting to explore the various probabilities of life. And it is unfair to expect you to be like someone older than your age. Your life at this point permits you to make mistakes, fall and then rise again. Infact, this is what you are meant to be doing- Exploring Life!

Maybe my presence in your life at the moment is making one of your "whims" come true and thereby in a way helping you explore another new page in your life. That is fine by me. As a matter of fact I like for a fact that I have had an opportunity to make that slight bit of a difference to your life. But dear freind, you should also know that I hold no promises towards you, as I am able to give you all what I can and there is nothing more I can do for you other than this.

Maybe you might even call me heartless or curse me for this kind of my reciprocation towards your "warmth" and "genuinity". But by giving you all what I am able to, by doing what I can, is my only and ultimate way of asking you to forgive me. For I reallly hope, wish and pray that you get something more bigger and better than me in exchange at some point of time in your life.

As per me, I dont think you really deserve me. My heart knows that. And someday if hearts really ever talk and understand eachother, then you will know what I truly meant and intended for you. You know that though I will not be next to you, but I will always keep loving you just as much. This my friend is the truth.

Yes, this is all what I can do at my best. And yet, I have disappointed you in all my doings. Will I ever rise in front of you ever again? That is my question. I hope I do. I would have never let you go out of my life if only...I could!

Bottomline is- You will always remain close to my soul. May you soar high. Always!

This day of my life...

The Sun that shimmers over me,

Through days and nights,

His beaming rays touch my skin,

Cajole my senses,

Awaken me,

through the times we spend together.

The fondness of our memories will only remain.

He is to me nothing but a source of connection,

the point where only love evokes.

A perfect synergism. An eclectic mix of emotions.

Oh! Life giver what have you led me into?

Need you not show mercy on me!

What is 9th of December??

Happy Birthday to me!!!

I dont have both my best friends in town this year! But heck i dont really see that as a reason to not celebrate 26 years of my existence naaah SURVIVAL on this planet!! LOL. Yes, am turning another year older today, i already have :P

I plan to grow old gracefully. I know there is so much more to do for me.

But for now here is what i would like to do as an immediate plan-

1. Buy that beautiful Monte Carlo sweater as a gift for myself !!!

2. Indulge in a real LAVISH lunch ...yuuum!!

3. Catch upon my memories in the past and cherish this life despite all the messy situations!!

4. Count my blessings of course (well yeah i do belive in God and I'm god fearing)

5. Write a checklist of things i love doing and things that i wanna do from here on. (Wow its not going to be easy but it should be real fun)

Well and this is for all my people who are close to me, its my promise to stay close to your hearts. I would love you and keep you close to my heart as much as you would. This may sound strange but thanks mum, thanks dad for bringing me into this big bad world and showing me things that I would wanna learn and grow from!!

Happy Birthday to me once again :)) !!!