Friday, February 13, 2009

Posted by Mood Swings at 11:30 AM 4 comments
The other day I was contemplating...

" On what grounds does one decide the distinction between good and bad?"

Of course we all think differently and more often than not, the way we percieve good and bad are quite different from how others see.

Sometimes our mental state of mind affects our decision to make the right or wrong choice. But do have an option to step back and pause before we hit the button? Is the mental state of being all what it takes to understand the right and wrong?

Well...I was just wondering and travelling my way back from work with this thought.

It's been hard to understand life from a holistic perspective all throughout my life. But I dont give up because the only thing that keeps me sane is introspection. Sometimes there is such clarity of thought just like fountain water. But sometimes everything is suddenly so bleak.

The thoughts that struck me tonight were different, more like a gush of realization from the opposite direction. It felt enlightening!

Maybe one reason for such grave thoughts in my mind was because of the way my week started. I can say that it was not a pleasant one. Not only was my visa denied because of a reason as stupid as recession but also I had to undergo a bad news of losing some very familiar people who recently happened to pass away from this world. It's been utterly shocking. Disgustingly depressing.

But then am I not contradicting myself? What about those times when I promised myself that I would stay happy no matter what the conditions maybe, no matter in what situation I would get into. What about those stereotyped "unconditional" self-promises? It wasnt helping me one bit.

Am I not lying to myself? Maybe I'm fooling myself and I think that I can get away from it.

I knew I was begining to get more ambitious, more selfish, more of a self-centred person. Just then, my whole world came to a halt!! I was rather ashamed. Ashamed of the kind of person this world was making of me. I knew that this world was changing me. Sometimes slowly and sometimes rather fast. And this was because I let the world change me. Because I gave the people a total permission to change me. But why would I let it happen this way for me ? This is not the way it was meant to be when God created me.

He gave me full permission to live life until he desired but he also wanted me to take the responsibility of keeping a relaity check on myself. But I dint do that. Instead I took myself for granted. I became covetous. I wanted more. As I got more, I wanted more and my disatisfaction grew. So I cribbed. I cried. I frowned and grew cold within..

Oh I wish I knew how beautiful and promising this life is for me. Then I would not have bothered about those things which I dont have. And despite that I would have still been a happy girl. I wish I learn to live life to derieve more satisfaction out of it. I wish I compared my life less with others. I wish I accepted myself for flaws and accepted just the way I am.

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